Only You is a horrifying, terrifying movie. It shook me to my very core and made me question the straw reasons for living we hairless apes have constructed as wards against the cold brutality of an indifferent universe. It is a blasted, blood-soaked, tower of Babel of a movie. It is populated by specters, djinns, genies, and lesser demons; all of which assume human form but cannot prevent their essential soullessness from escaping the pits of their eyes.
I was able to watch half the film. I have heard hideous gibbering, and I have seen twisted forms shuffling at the edges of reality. I have felt the dank air of millennia-old hatred blown over my face. I have learned that if you stare into the void for too long, the void also stares into you. I felt that cold, cold gaze on rest on my very soul, and I turned away. I…
Why? Why was Only You ever made? What cabal of jackal-headed monstrosities decided to make it?
Only You is terrifying because argues that free will is an illusion, and presents an entirely predetermined universe. It doesn’t sound that scary, when you just state it, but it is really really scary. The movie starts sepia-toned (which, as we all know, is how demons see the world), and shows a young girl asking a oudji board who she will marry. The board gives her a name. Guess what: she will marry this man. Her entire life is devoted to this one moment. She may think she’s making her own decisions through her life, but that is just an illusion. Everything that she does, and everything that she becomes, is all to build up to this one point where she joins with the other man.
This hopeless woman was played by a djinn cleverly disguised as Marisa Tomei. We soon find out that she is engaged to a different man who is not the man she is destined to marry. Guess what: that other man is destined to be left behind and utterly crushed and heartbroken. Such is the way of things. Marisa Tomei finds out the mysterious stranger she is destined to marry is heading to Italy, hence, she must follow him to Italy. She meets this stranger, expertly played by a monster wearing a flesh-puppet in the shape of Robert Downey Jr., somewhere in Rome, and they kiss. I stopped watching there. I had seen enough, had heard enough shrill squawks and desperate grunts.
I could guess what would happen in the later half of the film. Some hardship comes up, and the two that are destined to be together will have a fight. They will pretend that they are breaking up, but they both know they are just rags of fabric tossed around by some fickle entity, and will resign themselves to its caprices. They will be separated, they will be thrust together, they will be dressed up, and in the final scene of the movie they will be forced to kiss in front of the altar; a final sacrilege and final refutation of that which is good in this world.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Futurama the Movie: Bender's Big Score
Let’s talk about Futurama the Movie: Bender’s Big Score. It’s been a few weeks since I saw the movie, but I remember a few parts of it. Chunks, even. Like, I remember that it was OK. Not great, not mind-blowing, not even up to the standards of a good Futurama episode, but OK.
The art quality is consistently high, and voice acting likewise. It’s a fine, polished product. Visually, I had no complaints. However, the writing was creaky and a little bent out of shape. The jokes didn’t land quite right. The characters seemed like simulacra of themselves (that is, if a cartoon character can have simulacra), rather than the genuine article.
Fan-service, man. It kills. Fan-service is like Katie; it takes original funny jokes, repeats them verbatim, then pauses to look you in the eye and prompt you to laugh, not at the joke, but at the memory of the joke. Fan-service, like Katie, tries to trick you into believing the recollection of an old shared experience is better than a new one. It eroticizes, corrupts, and wallows in nostalgia. It’s a special kind of corruption; a mold that stymies new growth and a rot that eats away at the memory of the original. What’s amazing about it is that this corruption works openly, proudly, brazenly, and you don’t realize what has been done until you find yourself staring at something you used to like, and realize you kinda despise it.
There’s a lot of fan-service in this movie. Gone are jokes about “Strong Force Glue” (it’s about physics, I think), in their place is vindictiveness against Fox. That which was clever or quirky about the TV series has been bludgeoned into a rough approximation of humor. It’s what you’d expect from a direct-to-DVD flick; it’s something made primarily for fan consumption. There’s no need to try new things—just to cater to the base. Still, it is disappointing.
Futurama, both as a television series and as a movie, has to balance between the yuks-yuks and a legit sci-fi story. It’s greatest strength was that many episodes were seriously good sci-fi stories, with at least one good concept to play with per episode. The movie though, dabbles in time-travel. Time travel is a river you can only step in once, and Futurama has gone back to that well a few too many times (to misuse and screw up metaphors). There are multiple Fry’s, and multiple Benders. Cute. However, I think that the threads of multiple characters got twisted up in a knot. A thing more frustrating that time-travel plots is arguing about time-travel plots, so to keep it short, I’m pretty sure that there were characters either out of place or acting out of character.
I am a fan of the show, and have been for a long time. This movie was made for me, and while I appreciate the impulse behind its creation, I’d have been just as happy having not seen Futurama the Movie: Bender’s Big Score.
The art quality is consistently high, and voice acting likewise. It’s a fine, polished product. Visually, I had no complaints. However, the writing was creaky and a little bent out of shape. The jokes didn’t land quite right. The characters seemed like simulacra of themselves (that is, if a cartoon character can have simulacra), rather than the genuine article.
Fan-service, man. It kills. Fan-service is like Katie; it takes original funny jokes, repeats them verbatim, then pauses to look you in the eye and prompt you to laugh, not at the joke, but at the memory of the joke. Fan-service, like Katie, tries to trick you into believing the recollection of an old shared experience is better than a new one. It eroticizes, corrupts, and wallows in nostalgia. It’s a special kind of corruption; a mold that stymies new growth and a rot that eats away at the memory of the original. What’s amazing about it is that this corruption works openly, proudly, brazenly, and you don’t realize what has been done until you find yourself staring at something you used to like, and realize you kinda despise it.
There’s a lot of fan-service in this movie. Gone are jokes about “Strong Force Glue” (it’s about physics, I think), in their place is vindictiveness against Fox. That which was clever or quirky about the TV series has been bludgeoned into a rough approximation of humor. It’s what you’d expect from a direct-to-DVD flick; it’s something made primarily for fan consumption. There’s no need to try new things—just to cater to the base. Still, it is disappointing.
Futurama, both as a television series and as a movie, has to balance between the yuks-yuks and a legit sci-fi story. It’s greatest strength was that many episodes were seriously good sci-fi stories, with at least one good concept to play with per episode. The movie though, dabbles in time-travel. Time travel is a river you can only step in once, and Futurama has gone back to that well a few too many times (to misuse and screw up metaphors). There are multiple Fry’s, and multiple Benders. Cute. However, I think that the threads of multiple characters got twisted up in a knot. A thing more frustrating that time-travel plots is arguing about time-travel plots, so to keep it short, I’m pretty sure that there were characters either out of place or acting out of character.
I am a fan of the show, and have been for a long time. This movie was made for me, and while I appreciate the impulse behind its creation, I’d have been just as happy having not seen Futurama the Movie: Bender’s Big Score.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Year One
What a bad movie. It’s just… like… what a bad movie.
First off. Looked like a caveman movie, din’t? Remember the ads for it? Remember the poster art? Jack Black and Michael Cera, as cavemen. It was being sold as a funny movie about those wacky cavemen. Motherfuckers, it wasn’t about cavemen! I paused the movie at one point, when I realized that there wasn’t going to be any more cavemen up in this motherfucker. Thirty-three minutes in. And that’s including credits time.
What a bad movie, not terrible, just bad. Indifferently acted, pooooooooorly written, I’m not sure there was a director. The movie is not worth the small amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it, so here’s a synopsis.
It starts with caveman hunters pursuing a boar. Jack Black is one of the hunters, but, oops, he accidentally spears a fellow hunter. See, ‘cuz the guy was so hairy. No one in his caveman clan understands him or fellow caveman Michael Cera. They are unhappy because they want to fuck women, but the women don’t want to fuck them. Guys, you know this problem? When you want to fuck women, but they don’t want to fuck you? That’s what these cavemen have to deal with. So, they go to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (I am not shitting you). Jack Black eats a glowing apple off it, and Michael Cera gets choked out by a python. Then they get chased out of town. Then Jack Black eats a Snickers Bar melted to look like human feces. Then, they show up in a field, and see David Cross (who was calling himself Cain) murder that one smug asshole Paul Rudd. Then they get sold into slavery by David Cross, captured by Romans, and escape into the desert. While wandering around aimlessly, they meet Hank Azaria, who is wearing a wig and pretending to be Abraham, and stop him from gutting that snot-nosed little punk Christopher Mintz-Plasse. The actual joke was Hank Azaria calling the aborted sacrifice of Isaac “a little cutty-cutty-burnie-burnie”. Then the two cavemen hang out with the Hebrew for a while, but flee when threatened with circumcision. Because no man in his right mind would ever have anything done to his penis. Am I right fellas? They go to Sodom to find some strange, but end up being captured by Romans and almost sodomized. Then they become Romans. Then they prove that God doesn’t exist, and Michael Cera is made to stroke off a fat homosexual. In the end, Jack Black is proven to be the Messiah, and Sodom is not burnt to the ground because the one fat homosexual in the city is offered as a burnt sacrifice to some bull-head pagan gods. Finally, Michael Cera loses his virginity (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?), and tells the collected citizens of Sodom about it. They all cheer, and for some reason Christopher Mintz-Plasse is there again, and he cheers and pumps his fists (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?).
What a waste of time. 0 stars.
First off. Looked like a caveman movie, din’t? Remember the ads for it? Remember the poster art? Jack Black and Michael Cera, as cavemen. It was being sold as a funny movie about those wacky cavemen. Motherfuckers, it wasn’t about cavemen! I paused the movie at one point, when I realized that there wasn’t going to be any more cavemen up in this motherfucker. Thirty-three minutes in. And that’s including credits time.
What a bad movie, not terrible, just bad. Indifferently acted, pooooooooorly written, I’m not sure there was a director. The movie is not worth the small amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it, so here’s a synopsis.
It starts with caveman hunters pursuing a boar. Jack Black is one of the hunters, but, oops, he accidentally spears a fellow hunter. See, ‘cuz the guy was so hairy. No one in his caveman clan understands him or fellow caveman Michael Cera. They are unhappy because they want to fuck women, but the women don’t want to fuck them. Guys, you know this problem? When you want to fuck women, but they don’t want to fuck you? That’s what these cavemen have to deal with. So, they go to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (I am not shitting you). Jack Black eats a glowing apple off it, and Michael Cera gets choked out by a python. Then they get chased out of town. Then Jack Black eats a Snickers Bar melted to look like human feces. Then, they show up in a field, and see David Cross (who was calling himself Cain) murder that one smug asshole Paul Rudd. Then they get sold into slavery by David Cross, captured by Romans, and escape into the desert. While wandering around aimlessly, they meet Hank Azaria, who is wearing a wig and pretending to be Abraham, and stop him from gutting that snot-nosed little punk Christopher Mintz-Plasse. The actual joke was Hank Azaria calling the aborted sacrifice of Isaac “a little cutty-cutty-burnie-burnie”. Then the two cavemen hang out with the Hebrew for a while, but flee when threatened with circumcision. Because no man in his right mind would ever have anything done to his penis. Am I right fellas? They go to Sodom to find some strange, but end up being captured by Romans and almost sodomized. Then they become Romans. Then they prove that God doesn’t exist, and Michael Cera is made to stroke off a fat homosexual. In the end, Jack Black is proven to be the Messiah, and Sodom is not burnt to the ground because the one fat homosexual in the city is offered as a burnt sacrifice to some bull-head pagan gods. Finally, Michael Cera loses his virginity (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?), and tells the collected citizens of Sodom about it. They all cheer, and for some reason Christopher Mintz-Plasse is there again, and he cheers and pumps his fists (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?).
What a waste of time. 0 stars.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Movie #1: OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies
Ah, OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies. Such a good movie. It’s a spy spoof, right? I came into the movie thinking it would be like that other spy-spoof series, Austin Powers. I am glad to say I was totally and entirely wrong. OSS 117 is no Austin Powers, thank God.
Yeah, when I was thirteen, I thought Austin Powers was funny (fuck you, you did too). It had boob jokes. It had strange looking people with ridiculous accents. It had catch phrases. It was also totally heartless, a movie devoid of soul, populated by freaks and plastic people; a soporific to make you forget your shitty life for two hours, but giving no hope for anything better.
OSS 117, on the other hand, is a real movie; a movie that reminds you that making movies is an art and a craft, and has a history worth more than as a repository of cheap cultural references. It is a movie for people who love movies, and think that film-watching is a worthwhile use of one’s time. It’s also very funny. No one says, “Yeah, baby!” and it is a better movie for it.
Unlike that other spy-spoof, OSS 117 is a self-contained film. There are no sight-gag moments that do not fit the storyline. The double entendres are actual double entendres, rather than lewd catchphrases said with a wacky accent. And jokes build upon one another. Example: OSS 117 (played with a near perfect mix of blithe charm, elegance, and idiocy by the perfectly Gallic Jean Dujardin) is tailed at the beginning of the movie by a sinister looking fellow wearing a fez (by the way, what purpose does the fez have? Why do people wear it, aside from its inherent awesomeness?) who rushes off to the nearest phone booth to inform some shadowy figure at the other end of the line of OSS 117’s movements. It’s not a funny scene on its own; it happens all the time in spy flicks. What makes it funny is that virtually the same scene is repeated in pretty much every location OSS 117 goes to. It is repeated. And repeated. And repeated. Simple repetition, but by the end of the film, I was chuckling in anticipation as soon as I saw the fez guy.
Now, let’s talk about the look. The movie looks just right. It’s a little faded, and the colors don't seem quite natural. It looks like a spy movie from the 50’s. It is not shiny, it does not seem new, it feels like some lost piece of cinema recently excavated. I’m not sure how they did it, but damn, I’m really glad they did it. There was one chase scene through the back alleys of Cairo in particular that looked just right. It was filtered dark blue, so the scene looked like “night-time”, but that certain shade of “night time” that only exists in early color films. Likewise, the costuming fit the film perfectly. The clothes were appropriate for the type of film it was. There was nothing that screamed “costume”.
Final thought? Hells yes, see the movie. Twelve stars!
Yeah, when I was thirteen, I thought Austin Powers was funny (fuck you, you did too). It had boob jokes. It had strange looking people with ridiculous accents. It had catch phrases. It was also totally heartless, a movie devoid of soul, populated by freaks and plastic people; a soporific to make you forget your shitty life for two hours, but giving no hope for anything better.
OSS 117, on the other hand, is a real movie; a movie that reminds you that making movies is an art and a craft, and has a history worth more than as a repository of cheap cultural references. It is a movie for people who love movies, and think that film-watching is a worthwhile use of one’s time. It’s also very funny. No one says, “Yeah, baby!” and it is a better movie for it.
Unlike that other spy-spoof, OSS 117 is a self-contained film. There are no sight-gag moments that do not fit the storyline. The double entendres are actual double entendres, rather than lewd catchphrases said with a wacky accent. And jokes build upon one another. Example: OSS 117 (played with a near perfect mix of blithe charm, elegance, and idiocy by the perfectly Gallic Jean Dujardin) is tailed at the beginning of the movie by a sinister looking fellow wearing a fez (by the way, what purpose does the fez have? Why do people wear it, aside from its inherent awesomeness?) who rushes off to the nearest phone booth to inform some shadowy figure at the other end of the line of OSS 117’s movements. It’s not a funny scene on its own; it happens all the time in spy flicks. What makes it funny is that virtually the same scene is repeated in pretty much every location OSS 117 goes to. It is repeated. And repeated. And repeated. Simple repetition, but by the end of the film, I was chuckling in anticipation as soon as I saw the fez guy.
Now, let’s talk about the look. The movie looks just right. It’s a little faded, and the colors don't seem quite natural. It looks like a spy movie from the 50’s. It is not shiny, it does not seem new, it feels like some lost piece of cinema recently excavated. I’m not sure how they did it, but damn, I’m really glad they did it. There was one chase scene through the back alleys of Cairo in particular that looked just right. It was filtered dark blue, so the scene looked like “night-time”, but that certain shade of “night time” that only exists in early color films. Likewise, the costuming fit the film perfectly. The clothes were appropriate for the type of film it was. There was nothing that screamed “costume”.
Final thought? Hells yes, see the movie. Twelve stars!
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