Year One

What a bad movie. It’s just… like… what a bad movie.

First off. Looked like a caveman movie, din’t? Remember the ads for it? Remember the poster art? Jack Black and Michael Cera, as cavemen. It was being sold as a funny movie about those wacky cavemen. Motherfuckers, it wasn’t about cavemen! I paused the movie at one point, when I realized that there wasn’t going to be any more cavemen up in this motherfucker. Thirty-three minutes in. And that’s including credits time.

What a bad movie, not terrible, just bad. Indifferently acted, pooooooooorly written, I’m not sure there was a director. The movie is not worth the small amount of time I’ve spent thinking about it, so here’s a synopsis.

It starts with caveman hunters pursuing a boar. Jack Black is one of the hunters, but, oops, he accidentally spears a fellow hunter. See, ‘cuz the guy was so hairy. No one in his caveman clan understands him or fellow caveman Michael Cera. They are unhappy because they want to fuck women, but the women don’t want to fuck them. Guys, you know this problem? When you want to fuck women, but they don’t want to fuck you? That’s what these cavemen have to deal with. So, they go to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (I am not shitting you). Jack Black eats a glowing apple off it, and Michael Cera gets choked out by a python. Then they get chased out of town. Then Jack Black eats a Snickers Bar melted to look like human feces. Then, they show up in a field, and see David Cross (who was calling himself Cain) murder that one smug asshole Paul Rudd. Then they get sold into slavery by David Cross, captured by Romans, and escape into the desert. While wandering around aimlessly, they meet Hank Azaria, who is wearing a wig and pretending to be Abraham, and stop him from gutting that snot-nosed little punk Christopher Mintz-Plasse. The actual joke was Hank Azaria calling the aborted sacrifice of Isaac “a little cutty-cutty-burnie-burnie”. Then the two cavemen hang out with the Hebrew for a while, but flee when threatened with circumcision. Because no man in his right mind would ever have anything done to his penis. Am I right fellas? They go to Sodom to find some strange, but end up being captured by Romans and almost sodomized. Then they become Romans. Then they prove that God doesn’t exist, and Michael Cera is made to stroke off a fat homosexual. In the end, Jack Black is proven to be the Messiah, and Sodom is not burnt to the ground because the one fat homosexual in the city is offered as a burnt sacrifice to some bull-head pagan gods. Finally, Michael Cera loses his virginity (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?), and tells the collected citizens of Sodom about it. They all cheer, and for some reason Christopher Mintz-Plasse is there again, and he cheers and pumps his fists (doesn’t he do that in every movie he’s in?).
What a waste of time. 0 stars.